Looking Back

I moved to Seattle three years ago this month. It seems both like yesterday and an age ago. I left behind good friends, good memories, family, and a friendship broken beyond repair. I made very bad decisions in that relationship. I contributed just as much to its destruction as she did. That was almost as hard to face as the fact that I couldn't fix what was wrong. For better or worse the last time I had contact with her was three months before her wedding. Six months after I broke contact with her I moved to Seattle.
When I first got here it was a relief not to have memories of her popping up at every turn. I still thought about her though. It is simply not possible to end a 14 year relationship and not think about the other person. There were days I ached to call her and just hear her voice again, regardless of the fact that we would have just gotten in another fight.
Bit by bit I am forgiving her for all she did and didn't do. Eventually I hope I will stop being bitter and can forgive myself as well. I wonder if she'll ever forgive me. I still do not want to be in contact with her and I am still certain that ending our friendship was the right decision. It does not stop me from missing her. Perhaps it is a good sign that I no longer wish to erase her from my memories entirely. It is easier theses days to recall only  the good things.
While I still have not put back up the pictures of us I can imagine her face effortlessly. I remember her pixy cut white blond hair disappearing in the crowd on the first day we met. I can picture her curls and sparkling eyes as we dressed up to go out on the town. I know her laugh and can hear echos of it when I read the books she gave me. I hope I never forget how hard she and I laughed as we waited on the banks of the Seine for fireworks to start. I won't forget her college graduation party, or how far out of her way she went to be apart of mine.
It wasn't all bad and some of it was amazing. I wonder all the time if she thinks about me. While I don't want her back in my life, I will always miss her and I'm still grateful for having known her.

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us world's apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you

So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me